Avatar: the Milli Vanilli of science fiction films

In recognition of James Cameron creating the greatest film in human history, thereby rendering all future artistic striving pointless, I offer you this set of Avatar-related activities:

- Want to make your own super-imaginative alien beast?  Just combine any two of the following:

1. Hammerhead shark
2. Rhinoceros

- Make even more super-imaginative alien beasts!  Just pick an animal below and give it six legs, and maybe an extra eye or two:

1. Black panther
2. Dog
3. Horse

- Which of the following do you think will be unchanged in 144 years?

1. Wheelchairs
   
2. Cameras
3. Slang

- Write your own very own Avatar screenplay!  Here's how:

1. Watch Dances With Wolves
2. Replace all the good dialog with bad dialog
3. Add super-imaginative alien beasts!

- "Ten to the fourth"?  Wow, that sounds scientific!  But how big is it?

1. 1024
2. 40
   

- What does Avatar have in common with Aliens?

1. Interesting characters
2. Intriguing plot
3. Deft mix of tension and action
4. Both start with the letter A

- You're a 22nd-century military aircraft designer.  What sort of material should you use for your assault ship canopy?

1. Arrow-proof
2. Non-arrow-proof

- Create even more super-imaginative alien beasts in two simple steps!

1. Go scuba diving
2. Take pictures

- You have an important Message.  How should it be delivered?

1. Sledgehammer
2. Jackhammer
3. Pile driver

Comments

[NomadUK]

Now, come on, you know that in this case suspension of disbelief was meant to extend to most higher brain faculties. Stop that.

Besides, look! 3D! CGI and stuff!

[NomadUK]

Besides, just be glad James Cameron hasn't decided to try to remake 2001.

They tried to shut him down. To destroy his mind. Now, it's payback time!

[NomadUK]

Actually, though, I may be confusing James Cameron with Jerry Bruckheimer here. I keep imagining the dialogue:

Open the pod bay doors, Hal.

I'm sorry, Dave. I can't do that.

Open the fucking pod bay doors, Hal! Goddamn it! Open the fucking doors!

Sorry, Dave. No can do.

You sorry sonofabitch! All right, I'll go in through the emergency airlock, then I'll reprogram the pod with my laptop and a USB stick to put one of its Sidewinder missiles through the opening, and ride the blast front through the main rotational axis!

Yo, Dave! Aren't you forgetting something? You left your helmet behind. And you humans think you're so smart!

Shit! I'm coming in anyway! Eat high explosive, motherfucker!

Or something like that.

[john]

A couple of things:

Avatar? We don’t like it? It’s James ‘effin Cameron! A man who made his career MUSE the Ahnold.

Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but are you suggesting that Dances with Wolves contains “good dialog”?

Also, I’m not clear on the Milli Vanilli reference. I guess our pop duo connotes fraud, (a fall from grace?)or lack of integrity to some. They sucked of course, but at least they admitted the whole pop music thing is a manufactured sham. So are you saying that Avatar isn’t a science fiction film, is a science fiction film that unintentionally exposes its essence as mediated experience, or that it just sucks?

Sorry, but at this point I’m obliged to feel superior to anyone who has seen Avatar. That, or back to caffeine.

[gfod]

Ha ha, 1024, very funny. I agree, current slang and references are distracting.
NomadUK, yeah, I can just hear the movie-guy-voice now as the trailer begins.

[John Caruso]

...or that it just sucks?

Closest, though I meant there's (even) less there than meets the eye. I had low expectations going in and it still managed to fall well short.

(Yes, Dances With Wolves contains good dialog. And is a great movie. Even if it does have Mary McDonnell.)

And before this big blue turd, James Cameron hadn't made a particularly bad film and had made some very good ones. In fact Terminator would be one of my desert island DVDs were I ever forced to choose (some others: The Decalogue, The Seventh Seal, A Clockwork Orange, Airplane!, Rashomon, The Color of Paradise). T2 was the warning shot across the bow for Avatar, actually, but even though it had too much pandering it also had the nuclear war dream sequence—which is one of the most powerful sequences on film and tears me up every time. I give the guy a lot of credit for that.

Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll go back to making films like Piranha 2: the Spawning.

...I may be confusing James Cameron with Jerry Bruckheimer here.

Yeah, I think so; Cameron's nowhere near that league. Or wasn't, anyway.

...I'll reprogram the pod with my laptop and a USB stick...

Ah, that sounds like you're actually thinking of Roland "I piss on your brain!" Emmerich, who in contrast to Cameron has never made a good film.

[john]

I’m with you on Terminator, and I’d also add Aliens. But after that, there’s really nothing there for me I thought. But god bless you man, for mentioning the genius that is Piranha 2: The Spawning. Not as good as P1 (which really is quite scary – in a “let’s make fun of being scared” way), but it has its charms.

And hey, whatever you can say about Mary McDonnell, you can’t say she doesn’t have a lot of hair on her head. On the other hand, I’m thinking you CAN say she was in a Roland Emmerich movie.

[Catherine]

Yes, and what did Terminator have? Linda Hamilton! And what did Aliens have? Sigourney Weaver! Hah!

My point! Cool women. (As well as the wonderful Jeanette Goldstein as Vasquez in Aliens.)

And yes, the nuke war sequence is terrible to watch.

[John Caruso]

Cameron definitely has tiers. Terminator and Aliens are masterpieces, T2 is a good action film but it's no Terminator, Titanic is schlock but still compulsively watchable schlock (and of course it features Kate Winslet buck naked, which I always strongly support), The Abyss is at least trying if not succeeding, and True Lies...well, the less said about that the better (I realized after my last comment that that's the real Cameron precursor to Avatar, though I guess there's some Abyss in there as well).

But you're right, it's basically Terminator and Aliens. I gave him a lot of benefit of the doubt for years based on those two, like a band whose records you keep buying long past the point of diminishing returns. And by the way, I'm so glad someone pointed out that Piranha is better than Piranha 2.

Catherine: Yeah, good female roles, definitely. Linda Hamilton's brilliant in Terminator—both vulnerable and strong, and believable in both directions. And I'd second your vote for Jeanette Goldstein.

I've turned the corner on Sigourney Weaver, though, and that was only reinforced by Avatar, in which she plays, well, Sigourney Weaver. But she was perfect for Alien and Aliens.

[NomadUK]

Ah, that sounds like you're actually thinking of Roland "I piss on your brain!" Emmerich

I hang my head in shame, but plead temporary insanity due to a prolonged bout of flu and bedazzlement by all the weird white stuff out on the ground here in Oxfordshire.

Clearly, I'm unfairly conflating Cameron with some sort of Bruckheimer/Emmerich/Bay chimera. I will chime in, though, and heartily agree that The Terminator really is one of the best science-fiction films ever made. And Aliens, is damned good, too. Shame he lost it somewhere along the way.

[Ray]

Please never mention Terminator and Rashomon in the same sentence again.

Thank you

[Catherine]

Catherine: Yeah, good female roles, definitely. Linda Hamilton's brilliant in Terminator—both vulnerable and strong, and believable in both directions. And I'd second your vote for Jeanette Goldstein.

I've turned the corner on Sigourney Weaver, though, and that was only reinforced by Avatar, in which she plays, well, Sigourney Weaver. But she was perfect for Alien and Aliens.

Wow, didn't know Sigourney was in it, since I haven't been particularly interested in reading about it.

Winslet and DeCaprio made Titanic watchable. Lesser actors would have let us see how poorly written it is. She is truly and astonishingly beautiful. Actually, so is he.

[Oarwell]

which is one of the most powerful sequences on film and tears me up every time.

Love the sarcasm.

[Happy]

What James Cameron lost along the way was the restrictions on his creativity. In the music industry, and artist could have three platinum albums, then go off and make a bizzare acid-jazz prog-rock funk noise chiptune experimental concept album, and it would go down as a sad career turn, and the label would cut their $50-100 thousand losses. With the movie industry, you string a few successes together and then that horrible abortion gets a $100 million+ marketing budget - it's a whole lot easier to forget about the money invested in a failed project when it's a (comparative) pittence.